I sat up with a jolt in the sun-filled bedroom. A throbbing head and wet cough instantly reminded me that I’d gone on a bender again last night. Why – God only knows – but here I went again. I groaned and squinted at the alarm clock. 11:00 a.m. Fuck. I fired off a quick text to my boss letting her know that I had some sort of strange stomach bug and wouldn’t be coming in. Fortunately, I could get away with it, but I kicked myself over another day lost due to drinking and smoking my way through the night before. Christ, I need to get my shit together, I told myself as I gulped three Advil and made my way to the sofa where I would pass the rest of the day groveling in self-pity and embarrassment.
It was in one of these stupors that I started googling around for different alcoholism treatments. I’m stubborn and skeptical and had briefly tried Alcoholics Anonymous and counselling. But they didn’t work for me. Too much effort. And it all rang hollow to my ears. But then I stumbled on an article from the respected U.S. research hospital Johns Hopkins. They were experimenting with psilocybin as a treatment for a host of mental health disorders, including alcoholism. Hmm, I thought. Magic Mushrooms just may be freaky enough to actually keep my attention. And a supposed cure to alcoholism and smoking in a one-shot dose of psilocybin mushrooms – what’s not to love? At the very least, this sounded like fun. Where do I sign?
But there was a problem: in most of the United States psilocybin is illegal and only used in narrow research trials. Forget about insurance coverage for the cost. Living on the East Coast of the US, the closest options for me were the state of Oregon or Canada, where medicinal use is legal and regulated. A bit more research led me to InwardBound and their 5-day retreats in Holland. Leave it to the Dutch to have legalized the medicinal use of psilocybin truffles. This looked right up my alley. The leaders were PhD’s and licensed therapists. I’ve nothing against hippies, but if I was going to do this, I wanted it done with professionals carrying much more training and formation than just a couple mushroom trips on their own. A voyage to Amsterdam – where I hadn’t been for 25 years – was an added bonus. With a couple of clicks I had started the inscription process.
The first thing that struck me was the intensive screening intake process. InwardBound is really careful who they work with and in managing expectations. This is powerful medicine and isn’t right for everyone and for all circumstances. It requires a commitment from the participant to do the hard work to get themselves ready for the ‘trips’ and for integrating the lessons learned afterwards.
In my case, that involved a series of meditation and journaling exercises in the weeks running up to the retreat. I very carefully considered what changes I needed to make in my life. I contemplated the disappointment, pain and hurt I had caused my family and friends over the years due to my addictions. I meditated and visualized the state that another 20 years of life as a chain-smoking alcoholic would leave me in. And I meditated on the state that 20 years of healthy living would leave me in. Would I be a sickly old man dragging around an oxygen tank or a healthy old man enjoying life and time with his spouse, kids, grandkids and friends? Would I be the kind of loving and fun old man that they want to spend time with or a crotchety old drunk that everyone avoids? Kind of a no-brainer, no? I dug deep to ask myself why I keep going down this self-destructive road? How could I beat my demons?
The preparation is a very personal journey that each person needs to carefully craft and tailor to their particular situation. It is fundamental to go into the retreat with very clear intentions and desires for change. The window into one’s soul and psyche that opens up during the trips is a unique opportunity to adjust those broken triggers in our brain that repeatedly lead us down the wrong paths. In my case, it was a faulty switch that drove me to drink an extra two bottles of wine after everyone else around me had long realized that it was time to wind down and had stopped. There was a misfire in my brain every hour or so that drove me to light up a smoke, regardless of how much I knew it was hurting my health or even how bad it tasted. I’d been able to get away with it for most of my life, but it wasn’t working for me anymore. I knew I needed to change for myself and for my family, but I felt powerless and no match for the butts and bottles.
But the mushrooms work -and work powerfully. After the trips, the urge to smoke vanished – cold turkey and without even a pang of withdrawal. And drink? The obsession and constant thoughts about alcohol were gone – instantly. A couple of days after the retreat I met a buddy at a bar – a situation where I always had fun, but usually ended up drinking way more than I should and way more than those around me. Not this time. A couple of drinks and I felt I’d had enough. I laughed as much as always and actually had a better time being more present. And waking up each morning without a hangover after years upon years of being greeted by a splitting headache almost each and every morning – priceless.
I’m no doctor, but I can feel a clear, physical difference in my brain. Destructive, counter-productive urges to binge and smoke are gone. Colors look brighter, jokes are funnier, music is magical, desserts are sweeter, my wife is sexier, people are kinder, and annoyances are less annoying. None of these external things have changed: I have, and in a profound way. For those like me struggling with addiction and hopeless feelings – there is hope. It takes dedication, intention and focus. But psilocybin is there to help – if you let it.
*Richard Harrison is a pseudonym for a recent retreat participant who works in global development and whose professional effectiveness may be impacted by public knowledge of his psilocybin use.
